"A new beginning"

As some of you that followed my original blog may have noticed EVERYTHING is different.

I have decided to change a few things in my life and the year 2012 is going to be about finding answers to questions I have been too terrified to ask of myself and those around me.

What is happening in our world? Why our people that have so much to live for taking their lives, finding themselves in a sea of despair? This sea finds them tormented by monsters of depression, anxiety, abuse, self- injury and suicide. I have felt defeated for too long so this blog has been revamped. It is now in support of my Facebook page and our Bible study/support group for Teens, young adults and parents to get to the root of this epidemic, find healing and become what they were created to be. Through patience, love and the truth of the Word of God we will face the pain together and go forward…
AND HEAL!

My inspirations:

Samantha

My oldest daughter, who this summer will be bringing into our world MY VERY FIRST GRANDBABY! Sam is 19 and we (my hubby and myself) had the pleasure of uniting her and her first REAL love in Holy Matrimony on October 1, 2011 in our own yard!

(Samantha has given me permission to share her story, even though their are details only she should ever reveal, so anything I share will always be vague.)

I had Sam at nearly 19 myself and she was the most wonderful baby! She was smart, inquisitive, well behaved and loving to the core! She had the most amazing eyes, huge like saucers of deep rich chocolate pools, and I am glad to say she NEVER grew into them...they are still chocolate pools of heaven...rich and full of her emotion. Her eyes always show her heart...its happiness, its fears and also its deep sadness.
By the age of 4, her deep sadness began as we discovered she had been sexually abused by the same man who abused me as a teenager. I will never forget the day I found her rocking in her bed crying over the self inflicted pain she was causing herself; at 4 Sam had never seen or heard of self-injury (nor had I) and yet there she sat peeling her skin from her fingers and toes until the meat and muscle began to show.
I remember cradling her and crying out to the God I was choosing to ignore (due to my own pain) and asking Him, "why?", I could not grasp that this was not only a psychological and spiritual manifestation of her internal pain.
I sought out counseling for her at 4, she sat in with me on some of my session with a therapist, and she stopped the self injury shortly there after. Sam did not talk much about her situation for the next years to come...I prayed our sorrow was behind us.
At the age of 8 she started what the Dr. called a "pre-menses", he felt it stemmed from some sort of stress she was enduring. Her father and I had divorced when the kids were 5,4 and almost 2. We were back together and separated so many times the kids started to cry when I would go to the store, for fear I would be moving out of dad's house again. Even though I had to move in and out of my ex's home and could not take the kids with me due to the fact I would have to go home to my mother until I could find an apartment...to them it still seemed like I was abandoning them. Needless to say Sam had a lot of stress in her life. I had no idea memories were returning to her young mind of the abuse she suffered until she confided in me one day that she was dreaming of him.
I was at a loss.
By junior high she really had a low self esteem and had begun to express more of a need for intervention. I was counseling women of sexual abuse at that time (I had come back to the Lord and was serving Him in the ministry and as a counselor)and so I started spending time helping her work through some of her flashbacks, memories and pain.
I noticed though, her deep sadness that never seemed to disappear...her fears, poor self image and deep, deep rooted pain she was carrying everyday.
Sam was serving the Lord whole heartily by about 14. But she still seemed lost in some sort of despair. She would beat herself up over the fact she still suffered, she felt like her faith wasn't where it should be because healing didn't seem to come easily from the sadness.
By 16 she met Kevin and knew he was the ONE, she also was being groomed for her calling, worship leader. The girl can sing unto the Lord...man oh man...does it touch my heart!

Because we homeschool, Sam and Nick (my 18 year old son) both graduated early and Sam went on to our local community college when she was 17.

Sam and Kevin really struggled to maintain their relationship for a while and part of it was because Sam was hiding a secret from all of us...she was very depressed. Despite her real, intense love of God and her servant spirit she just couldn't shake her depression and anxiety. At this point we had tried talk therapy, prayer, love...everything...so we discussed meds. Sam was scared at first that this meant she was doubting God for healing. After much prayer and discussion after she came to my husband Cole and I one night saying she just couldn't snap out of it, that this hole was so hard to get out of alone; I took her to the Dr. and she prescribed an anti-depressant. There was an immediate difference within two weeks. She was my girl again, the one I laughed with and could see life in those gorgeous chocolate pools again. I need that as much as she did.

Two days before her 19th birthday she married Kevin in our back yard, and I watched her Dad and my husband give her away...it was the hardest but most wonderful experience.

Sam is now married and expecting our first grandbaby and loving life! She had to come off her anti-depressants during the pregnancy, but she knows when the sadness sneaks up, and oh, it does; that keeping busy,talking, praying, crying and just holding her head up high despite the grief helps. Sam loves the Lord and is one of the most anointed women of God with an angelic voice I have ever heard, she is my gorgeous girl...

SHE IS A WOMAN OF GOD...SHE HAS GRACE...AND MERCY...AND DEALS WITH DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY! AND I AM PROUD OF HER FOR HER STRENGTH AND HER ACCOMPLISHMENTS!

If you struggle with depression, anxiety and self-injury do not be discouraged. Their is HOPE. We are going to all find it together, through patience, love and Jesus Christ. Will you follow me and those I blog about on our journeys?

Next...Madison